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[tender]

action + written + crystal

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this is an outrage

[tender]

Nell? I know her a little. Why?

[inkindled]

[Nell. Jeez. So familiar.]

I don't know her. I mean, I've seen her, and I think I've said about two words to her--if that--she was Forces assistant before me, and. I dunno.

[A pause in which Matthias sits very still except for the frantic nervous jiggling of his leg--and then, right, he launches into it--]

Have you ever done anything like this before? Been an assistant? S' important and I feel like I'm cocking it up. Majorly cocking it up. And Flint--Captain Flint--he's, this, I dunno if he likes me. Or if he likes anyone. And I want him to? Like, I want to do a good job and I want to keep the position, but I forgot to submit this bloody form, and Athessa and I went off to investigate these underwater tunnels but there was a rift there and we hadn't actually gotten any shard-bearers to come along with us and all 'cause I forgot to file the form--and I ought to say something to Captain Flint, right? But what if he sacks me 'cause I'm a complete divvy? It was so stupid, really. Just one bit of paper and I didn't put it in a spot and it all went nearly to shit 'cause of that.

[He takes a breath. At last.]

[tender]

[ urge to find him and take his face in her hands: high

however, first things first— ]

But it didn't go sideways? You got a rifter there in the end and had it closed?

[inkindled]

[Assuming this current thread goes as planned and everyone lives, Matthias says,]

Yeah--I mean, we all lived, everything's all right, more or less.

[tender]

[ fingers crossed ]

Then you don't have to tell him it nearly went wrong. You tell him you managed to think on your feet and come up with a quick solution.

It's the truth, anyway. Right?

[inkindled]

Well--yeah. I mean, it sounds all right, when you put it that way.

Only I'm still going to cock it all up later. And I'll have to come up with something else--or figure out what I'm doing.

[tender]

Don't say that.

[ firmly, defensive on Matthias' behalf. ]

You're being hard on yourself, and that's not a bad thing. But I know you aren't going to mess it all up. You just—you just need to be a little more cautious in the future. In time, you won't even have to think twice about what you're doing.

[ Also it's not as if Flint is such an easy man to work for, but Derrica can keep that up her sleeve for later in the conversation. ]

[inkindled]

[Somewhere, Matthias puts the heels of his hands against his eyes to hold back the stupid hot feeling of tears. Why is this so upsetting? Why is Derrica the best? Both are unanswerable questions.]

Maybe. Thanks. I'm-- [AN IDIOT; he lets out a breath.] I'm shit at that. Thinking twice. I always have been. D'you think that's something you can learn?

[tender]

Yes.

[ without any hesitation. ]

When we get back to Kirkwall, I'll make something for you to carry. Then when you see it, it'll remind you to slow down. Maybe that will help?

[inkindled]

[He lets out a little more of his breath. Okay. Only--trying to visualize what she might mean--]

Like a weight?

[tender]

Like a bracelet. Something brightly colored, and easy for you to catch sight of while you're working.

[inkindled]

Oh. Yeah. That'd be all right.

[And will maybe?? help?? only one way to find out. Derrica knows what she's talking about, because she always knows what she's talking about, or so Matthias reckons, at least. So. Good.]

Thanks. Sorry. I didn't who else to talk to, about--like, I was thinking about Knight-Enchanter Voss, 'cause she's held this position and all, but she likely was fine with filing forms, and I don't want to look stupid. I mean, I don't want you to think I'm stupid either, but at least I know you.

[tender]

I don't think you're stupid.

[ Very intensely. ]

But Matthias, you shouldn't be afraid to ask Nell. I'm sure it wasn't exactly the same, but if she held the same position, she'll be able to give you advice you wouldn't even think to ask for.

[inkindled]

Well, you have to say that. But thanks.

And... thanks, for the suggestion, yeah? But no. About Nell, I mean. Like I know you mean well and all, but I don't think that's a good idea. At least not until I've, you know, actually spoke with her. Am I meant to walk up and just say, oi I've no idea how to do my job but you did it before me so make with the advice thanks ever so--that would be mental.

[tender]

You don't have to tell her you feel like you don't know what you're doing. You can just say you heard she held the position before you and wondered if she had any advice.

[inkindled]

Right, and then she'll give it, and she'll only think of me as some nitwitted kid who can't manage for himself, and she'll only think it forever.

[tender]

Who told you it was nitwitted [ ????? ] to ask for advice?

[inkindled]

What? I don't know. No one. I just know. Not that it's nitwitted to ask for advice, exactly, just--

Look, I really don't want to cock this up. Any of it. I don't know anything.

[tender]

You aren't going to.

I didn't know anything when I started sailing. [ """sailing""" ] I had to ask and learn, and in return I could share what I did know with them. That's what you're doing now. There's things only you can do, Matthias. It's okay to ask Nell to help with the rest.

[inkindled]

Maybe. I dunno. I don't want this to be a whole thing, right, I only... I dunno. I want things. Like everyone does. And it never feels--possible, I s'ppose. Or like it will last, any of it. Or--

I dunno. It's not that big of a thing. I don't want to whinge about it and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, or, or whatever. Nothing like that.

[tender]

It's normal to want things. Right now you're even in a position to have them. You're working in the Forces office. That's an opportunity.

[ maybe. derrica doesn't know exactly how to handle flint, and it sounds like matthias doesn't either. ]

I would never feel sorry for you. Pity isn't...it's not helpful. But I think it's alright if you try to listen to people who can help you make things happen. You deserve to have what you want.

[inkindled]

Yeah. Maybe. I'll-- think about it. About asking.

[Also, after he gets in another breath and recovers one point more--]

Thanks. You're good at this. Sorry.

[tender]

Don't apologize. I'm sorry I didn't have better advice for you, but you can always talk to me. I promise.

[inkindled]

Yeah. Thanks. I will. I mean, I do. But I will, still.

[And because she sAID he could talk to her and because this is something else that he's been thinking about, and it is, sort of, related--]

D'you ever... think about what comes next? Once we've beaten Corypheus, and all, and the world gets back to normal?

[tender]

[ whoa this is a turn she wasn't expecting. ]

Yes. I think about it all the time, but I don't know. I'm not really sure what normal is going to look like by then.