[And will maybe?? help?? only one way to find out. Derrica knows what she's talking about, because she always knows what she's talking about, or so Matthias reckons, at least. So. Good.]
Thanks. Sorry. I didn't who else to talk to, about--like, I was thinking about Knight-Enchanter Voss, 'cause she's held this position and all, but she likely was fine with filing forms, and I don't want to look stupid. I mean, I don't want you to think I'm stupid either, but at least I know you.
But Matthias, you shouldn't be afraid to ask Nell. I'm sure it wasn't exactly the same, but if she held the same position, she'll be able to give you advice you wouldn't even think to ask for.
And... thanks, for the suggestion, yeah? But no. About Nell, I mean. Like I know you mean well and all, but I don't think that's a good idea. At least not until I've, you know, actually spoke with her. Am I meant to walk up and just say, oi I've no idea how to do my job but you did it before me so make with the advice thanks ever so--that would be mental.
You don't have to tell her you feel like you don't know what you're doing. You can just say you heard she held the position before you and wondered if she had any advice.
I didn't know anything when I started sailing. [ """sailing""" ] I had to ask and learn, and in return I could share what I did know with them. That's what you're doing now. There's things only you can do, Matthias. It's okay to ask Nell to help with the rest.
Maybe. I dunno. I don't want this to be a whole thing, right, I only... I dunno. I want things. Like everyone does. And it never feels--possible, I s'ppose. Or like it will last, any of it. Or--
I dunno. It's not that big of a thing. I don't want to whinge about it and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, or, or whatever. Nothing like that.
It's normal to want things. Right now you're even in a position to have them. You're working in the Forces office. That's an opportunity.
[ maybe. derrica doesn't know exactly how to handle flint, and it sounds like matthias doesn't either. ]
I would never feel sorry for you. Pity isn't...it's not helpful. But I think it's alright if you try to listen to people who can help you make things happen. You deserve to have what you want.
Yeah. That's true. I s'ppose it's stupid to think of, isn't it. If we don't know what anything will be like. It could be anything.
I was talking to this fellow, is all. And he said... he was going on about retirement. Like there was more after this. I never thought about it before. Going wherever I want and doing whatever I want. I'm with you. I don't see the point of thinking of any of it--especially not bloody retirement--not when we don't know what anything will be like.
I'd like it to be--nice. That's as far as I can get.
I don't know what a retirement would be for me. It's been a very long time since I thought about it.
[ and then dairsmuid was destroyed, so. ]
I think we'll have to make it nice. Even after Corypheus is dealt with, there's going to be so much that will need to be restored. Maybe that's what we should think about, how we want it all to be after we've finished fighting a war.
I just reckoned I'd die. I don't even mean it like--badly, just... I kept not dying. And every time, it was like, surely the next time I would.
[Maybe that was too much. Matthias bites hard on his lower lip, like that might shut him up.]
And even once Corypheus is gone, the other war--that's still there. It's none of it settled, not properly. I won't go back to the Circle. I know that. I don't much care about anything else. I could live in a sodding hole, just--not Circles.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Like a weight?
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[And will maybe?? help?? only one way to find out. Derrica knows what she's talking about, because she always knows what she's talking about, or so Matthias reckons, at least. So. Good.]
Thanks. Sorry. I didn't who else to talk to, about--like, I was thinking about Knight-Enchanter Voss, 'cause she's held this position and all, but she likely was fine with filing forms, and I don't want to look stupid. I mean, I don't want you to think I'm stupid either, but at least I know you.
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[ Very intensely. ]
But Matthias, you shouldn't be afraid to ask Nell. I'm sure it wasn't exactly the same, but if she held the same position, she'll be able to give you advice you wouldn't even think to ask for.
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And... thanks, for the suggestion, yeah? But no. About Nell, I mean. Like I know you mean well and all, but I don't think that's a good idea. At least not until I've, you know, actually spoke with her. Am I meant to walk up and just say, oi I've no idea how to do my job but you did it before me so make with the advice thanks ever so--that would be mental.
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Look, I really don't want to cock this up. Any of it. I don't know anything.
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I didn't know anything when I started sailing. [ """sailing""" ] I had to ask and learn, and in return I could share what I did know with them. That's what you're doing now. There's things only you can do, Matthias. It's okay to ask Nell to help with the rest.
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I dunno. It's not that big of a thing. I don't want to whinge about it and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, or, or whatever. Nothing like that.
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[ maybe. derrica doesn't know exactly how to handle flint, and it sounds like matthias doesn't either. ]
I would never feel sorry for you. Pity isn't...it's not helpful. But I think it's alright if you try to listen to people who can help you make things happen. You deserve to have what you want.
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[Also, after he gets in another breath and recovers one point more--]
Thanks. You're good at this. Sorry.
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[And because she sAID he could talk to her and because this is something else that he's been thinking about, and it is, sort of, related--]
D'you ever... think about what comes next? Once we've beaten Corypheus, and all, and the world gets back to normal?
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Yes. I think about it all the time, but I don't know. I'm not really sure what normal is going to look like by then.
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I was talking to this fellow, is all. And he said... he was going on about retirement. Like there was more after this. I never thought about it before. Going wherever I want and doing whatever I want. I'm with you. I don't see the point of thinking of any of it--especially not bloody retirement--not when we don't know what anything will be like.
I'd like it to be--nice. That's as far as I can get.
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[ and then dairsmuid was destroyed, so. ]
I think we'll have to make it nice. Even after Corypheus is dealt with, there's going to be so much that will need to be restored. Maybe that's what we should think about, how we want it all to be after we've finished fighting a war.
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[Maybe that was too much. Matthias bites hard on his lower lip, like that might shut him up.]
And even once Corypheus is gone, the other war--that's still there. It's none of it settled, not properly. I won't go back to the Circle. I know that. I don't much care about anything else. I could live in a sodding hole, just--not Circles.
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I understand.
[ All of it. The shock of being alive in spite of everything, the weight of uncertainty hanging over all their heads now. ]
I promise, I would never leave you to be sent to a Circle again. No matter what happens.
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[No, there's no more to say. Matthias pulls his knees close to his chest and stares hard at the sending crystal until it blurs. Thickly, he manages--]
Thanks. You're on my side. I know it. I knew it before, too, before I contacted you and all, I only-- wanted to talk to someone about it.
Thanks.
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And you, er-- you can do the same. If you need it. I dunno that you do. But if you do, yeah?
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