You haven't got to. Or-- Never mind. It's all right.
[No. Don't be stupid, he tells himself.]
Laura is gone for a bit. A long bit. Officially, on a mission. That's all. She told me the other day, said goodbye, and it's all right, I've just--been thinking about it.
I wasn't going to say anything about it, only--I wanted someone to know. Besides me. Everyone will learn it eventually, and--she'll be back, and it won't matter, then, what happened now, so.
[If she likes: important to turn it back on her. It's obvious, even to Matthias, as a clumsy tactic. But so what? He could tell Derrica anything and everything, probably. That's why he told her first. That's why he goes to her room and knocks at her door. Even if he doesn't want to see anyone, he still won't be sorry to see Derrica.]
[ And Derrica had clearly tried to prepare for Matthias somewhat, clearing off a few places for him to sit if he cared to. The drape of scarves and tunics and what might have been a shawl obscure one chair entirely, and her satchel had been leaned against the end of the bed, her boots abandoned a few steps away. Sat on the bed with one leg tucked under her, Derrica does have a few sheets of paper but they look more like reports than gift lists. ]
Come sit. I'm trying to decide where to start.
[ With gifts, or with prodding Matthias to try and discern how he was feeling? Anyone's guess. ]
[Matthias obeys readily enough. He cranes his neck a little so he can peer at the papers before her, trying to get a look at them in advance of giving help.]
I reckon gifts're going to be more difficult this year, 'cause I got everyone things last year, and thinking of more things... Well, maybe not. I can think of loads of things now that I've said that.
[He leans one hand on the bed, committing his weight to it so he can kick his boots off--one, then the other.]
[The Commander. Matthias sucks his teeth with a little wince-- directed at himself, not at Derrica.]
Oh, shit. I hadn't even thought of him. I take it back, [as he kicks his boots aside and hops up onto the bed,] it's going to be bloody hell picking out gifts.
[She gets a little grin as he climbs up to sit on the bed, letting one leg hang off the bed and tucking the other one under him.]
And you're only saying that to me 'cause I'm here. S'ppose it was a good gift. I hate the cold.
That's not bad. I dunno anything about drawing, so I might pick out crap, but if I went to a nice enough shop I reckon they wouldn't even have crap to be picked out, right?
[He rubs his thumb against a wrinkle on the blanket that he'd bunched up a bit by crawling onto it.]
D'you think we'll all still be here, come Satinalia?
We can go to the shop together, [ Derrica volunteers, as she considers the weightier question. She shifts, leaning back with a sigh to lounge on one elbow. ] But I don't know.
[ Though she knows there's already murmurs of parties and celebration, who can say whether some disaster will happen that requires half of them to travel away from the Gallows? ]
It would be nice if we were. I'd like to celebrate with everyone instead of camping somewhere miserable.
You never know, we might be camping somewhere nice.
[He gives her a kind of half-smile.]
Only joking. We never camp anywhere nice. I s'ppose we're not meant to be enjoying it, so it makes sense. I dunno. I never cared much about Satinalia before. Then it was like, a novelty, y'know? 'Cause I hadn't cared. But now... I dunno. I'm going to enjoy it, still. 'Course I will. Just feels--like it ends.
[ The urge to placate him with immediate reassurances rises. Derrica is silent for a moment instead, watching him, before reaching out to take his hand and lace their fingers together. ]
Nothing's certain, [ she agrees. ] But just because we leave doesn't mean we won't come back. Or that you'll never see any of us again. Going away doesn't mean we'll have to lose sight of each other.
[He doesn't shy away from the handholding, or pull away from it. It gives him somewhere to look besides, instead of only at the blanket and the top of the bed.]
I think I got comfortable. And I shouldn't have. Only it felt good, so... I tricked myself. But I'll know better now. And you're right, probably, if people do leave--that's all right.
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Of course. Do you want me to come find you?
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[No. Don't be stupid, he tells himself.]
Laura is gone for a bit. A long bit. Officially, on a mission. That's all. She told me the other day, said goodbye, and it's all right, I've just--been thinking about it.
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I'm sorry, [ immediate, even though that's not going to lessen the pain of this. ] I know how hard that must be for you both.
[ a pause, then— ]
Where are you now?
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I wasn't going to say anything about it, only--I wanted someone to know. Besides me. Everyone will learn it eventually, and--she'll be back, and it won't matter, then, what happened now, so.
[Careful to say this clearly, he repeats--]
I'm all right.
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[ then, gently ]
And if you just want company, we don't have to talk about it anymore. You can help me try to figure out Satinalia gifts.
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Bit early for Satinalia, isn't it?
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[ still kind of novelty to be in a position to get presents for so many friends. ]
You can tell me if I'm off base or not.
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Come to my room?
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[If she likes: important to turn it back on her. It's obvious, even to Matthias, as a clumsy tactic. But so what? He could tell Derrica anything and everything, probably. That's why he told her first. That's why he goes to her room and knocks at her door. Even if he doesn't want to see anyone, he still won't be sorry to see Derrica.]
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[ And Derrica had clearly tried to prepare for Matthias somewhat, clearing off a few places for him to sit if he cared to. The drape of scarves and tunics and what might have been a shawl obscure one chair entirely, and her satchel had been leaned against the end of the bed, her boots abandoned a few steps away. Sat on the bed with one leg tucked under her, Derrica does have a few sheets of paper but they look more like reports than gift lists. ]
Come sit. I'm trying to decide where to start.
[ With gifts, or with prodding Matthias to try and discern how he was feeling? Anyone's guess. ]
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I reckon gifts're going to be more difficult this year, 'cause I got everyone things last year, and thinking of more things... Well, maybe not. I can think of loads of things now that I've said that.
[He leans one hand on the bed, committing his weight to it so he can kick his boots off--one, then the other.]
What've you got so far?
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[ Derrica sweeps a few of the papers aside, lifts up a list with one looping line of script. ]
A bottle of Antivan rum for the Commander.
[ A safe bet, right? She grins a little, looking at him before tacking on— ]
You know, the rabbit-fur socks you gave me probably kept me from freezing off a few toes when we went into the mountains.
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Oh, shit. I hadn't even thought of him. I take it back, [as he kicks his boots aside and hops up onto the bed,] it's going to be bloody hell picking out gifts.
[She gets a little grin as he climbs up to sit on the bed, letting one leg hang off the bed and tucking the other one under him.]
And you're only saying that to me 'cause I'm here. S'ppose it was a good gift. I hate the cold.
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You can't set Commander Flint as a standard. He's impossible, but I got him liquor last year and he didn't seem to hate it.
[ He hadn't returned it, so. ]
Who else do you think is going to be so difficult?
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Umm. Well, Enchanter Leander. Definitely. Dunno if I can do liquor.
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[ A considering pause, while Derrica almost thinks to ask: Are your lessons with him going well?
But instead, she turns over a sheet of paper and marks Leander's name there. ]
He likes to draw. You could get him some charcoals, or a new sketchbook. He'd like that.
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[He rubs his thumb against a wrinkle on the blanket that he'd bunched up a bit by crawling onto it.]
D'you think we'll all still be here, come Satinalia?
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[ Though she knows there's already murmurs of parties and celebration, who can say whether some disaster will happen that requires half of them to travel away from the Gallows? ]
It would be nice if we were. I'd like to celebrate with everyone instead of camping somewhere miserable.
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[He gives her a kind of half-smile.]
Only joking. We never camp anywhere nice. I s'ppose we're not meant to be enjoying it, so it makes sense. I dunno. I never cared much about Satinalia before. Then it was like, a novelty, y'know? 'Cause I hadn't cared. But now... I dunno. I'm going to enjoy it, still. 'Course I will. Just feels--like it ends.
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[ A little prompting, Derrica's eyebrows raising slightly. ]
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Yeah. Riftwatch, I mean. Eventually. And people will go off and leave anyways. I might. It feels less certain, is all. All of it.
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Nothing's certain, [ she agrees. ] But just because we leave doesn't mean we won't come back. Or that you'll never see any of us again. Going away doesn't mean we'll have to lose sight of each other.
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[He doesn't shy away from the handholding, or pull away from it. It gives him somewhere to look besides, instead of only at the blanket and the top of the bed.]
I think I got comfortable. And I shouldn't have. Only it felt good, so... I tricked myself. But I'll know better now. And you're right, probably, if people do leave--that's all right.
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[ But she understands the sentiment. She's felt it before herself. ]
You didn't trick yourself. You care about people here. [ About one person who was here. ] That's a good thing.
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