[ She's thinking too much about this, and has been for too long. She should've just ignored it! Shouldn't even bother acknowledging it, but...well, shit. It's just that she keeps almost saying what she doesn't want to say and she doesn't want to ruin a good thing by being a dumbass, so...
Athessa tugs the crystal out from under her shirt. ]
Derrica, are you in your room?
[ Part of her wishes the answer will be no so she can just turn and walk right back the way she came and continue to ignore this. ]
[ The pang she feels in her chest when her eyes alight upon Derrica's sweet face confirm the worst, and she barely waits until the door closes behind her to force the words out into existence. ]
No, it's about us. I know we're not a thing but we have to break up.
[ This isn't the first time the concept of love has been floated in Derrica's direction, but it is the first time it's come with an immediate escape route built in and from someone Derrica's formed some sort of...
Attachment? That word feels wrong for this.
She could fall back on her tried and true response: easy, comforting, sweet. But she can't flee, and she likes Athessa too well to lie to her— ]
I don't...know. I don't want to stop but I can't...I don't want complicated! And that-- [ Love. Eugh. ] --makes things complicated. Right?
[ Any other situation would see that right as rhetorical, but here she's kind of hoping that Derrica can confirm or deny it. Take the decision away from Athessa, so she doesn't have to feel bad about the outcome, please. ]
And now that I've said it I can't even take it back. I was out there thinking about it, about whether or not I could even pretend not to--if I could just ignore it, say nothing, and then it wouldn't matter, but that's--I don't wanna lie to you and that feels like lying. It's not fair.
[ Derrica sits down on the edge of her bed. It's either sit or leave her own room. (A twinge of regret at having this discussion here at all.) Her bracelets clink up her arm as presses one hand briefly to her mouth. ]
I'm glad you told me.
[ She absolutely is not glad to have received this information, but she can at least appreciate Athessa's unwillingness to lie to her. ]
Does it change anything? Does it change what you want from me?
[ The words come slowly, even though Derrica feels like she's posing useless questions. The answers are no now, but they won't be no forever. What are they doing but delaying something inevitable and miserable? ]
[ Can't, won't. It comes to the same thing in this instance.
Some small, terrible part of her wonders if it would be different if Athessa were a mage. But Athessa isn't, and what's the use of trying to theorize what could be if the world were something other than what it is? ]
I'm sorry.
[ And she is sorry. No matter what they do, this changes things between them. ]
[ Athessa nods, knowing and accepting and, despite this preemptive measure against it, hurt. But it's her own damn fool fault and she's not going to let it sour their friendship if she can help it!
So she swallows back any feeling that might prevent her from pressing her lips into a smile and holding her hand out for a shake.
Why? Why a handshake? That's weird, but it's too late to change course because it's out there. ]
[ For the brief moments that Derrica has a hold of her hand, Athessa can feel the grip as if it were around her throat. She can't say anything to make this better, that much is clear.
So when they both let go, all she manages is a lopsided smile that isn't a smile, a shrug not even a fraction as nonchalant as it might look, and--]
Well. That's that.
[ And the next words would have been see ya around but that grip on her throat comes back to keep them there and she shows herself out without any such promise. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
action/crystal
Athessa tugs the crystal out from under her shirt. ]
Derrica, are you in your room?
[ Part of her wishes the answer will be no so she can just turn and walk right back the way she came and continue to ignore this. ]
https://youtu.be/z286f9gAGvE?t=47
[ There's the fading sound of voices, possibly familiar—is that Fitcher? ]
Are you planning on surprising me there?
[ Little does Derrica know... ]
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Yeah--I mean no, not...really.
[ Shit, fuck, dammit. ]
I just had somethin' I wanted to talk to you about but it uh. It can wait.
no subject
[ wait ]
Are you okay?
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No. Yeah. I dunno. I mean I'm fine, but I don't know what to do about...something I just found out.
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Can I help?
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[ ????????? intensifies ]
Well, I'm in my room and I don't have any immediate plans to leave. If you want my help, I'm here.
no subject
[ Pivot on heel, walk back to the door, knock. ]
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[ literally the minute she opens the door. welcome to derrica's room. ]
Is this something for Scouting?
no subject
No, it's about us. I know we're not a thing but we have to break up.
Because I...love you.
no subject
Attachment? That word feels wrong for this.
She could fall back on her tried and true response: easy, comforting, sweet. But she can't flee, and she likes Athessa too well to lie to her— ]
Are you sure?
[ A little faltering. ]
no subject
I don't...know. I don't want to stop but I can't...I don't want complicated! And that-- [ Love. Eugh. ] --makes things complicated. Right?
[ Any other situation would see that right as rhetorical, but here she's kind of hoping that Derrica can confirm or deny it. Take the decision away from Athessa, so she doesn't have to feel bad about the outcome, please. ]
And now that I've said it I can't even take it back. I was out there thinking about it, about whether or not I could even pretend not to--if I could just ignore it, say nothing, and then it wouldn't matter, but that's--I don't wanna lie to you and that feels like lying. It's not fair.
no subject
I'm glad you told me.
[ She absolutely is not glad to have received this information, but she can at least appreciate Athessa's unwillingness to lie to her. ]
Does it change anything? Does it change what you want from me?
[ The words come slowly, even though Derrica feels like she's posing useless questions. The answers are no now, but they won't be no forever. What are they doing but delaying something inevitable and miserable? ]
no subject
[ More than that, she doesn't want to let their separation--which is inevitable--to leave a gaping wound. ]
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[ Can't, won't. It comes to the same thing in this instance.
Some small, terrible part of her wonders if it would be different if Athessa were a mage. But Athessa isn't, and what's the use of trying to theorize what could be if the world were something other than what it is? ]
I'm sorry.
[ And she is sorry. No matter what they do, this changes things between them. ]
no subject
[ Athessa nods, knowing and accepting and, despite this preemptive measure against it, hurt. But it's her own damn fool fault and she's not going to let it sour their friendship if she can help it!
So she swallows back any feeling that might prevent her from pressing her lips into a smile and holding her hand out for a shake.
Why? Why a handshake? That's weird, but it's too late to change course because it's out there. ]
So. Just friends, without benefits.
no subject
Yes. It's a deal.
[ She winds their fingers together, squeezes gently. ]
That's the only part that'll change.
[ Derrica says it very firmly, refusing to let any uncertainty into her voice. ]
no subject
So when they both let go, all she manages is a lopsided smile that isn't a smile, a shrug not even a fraction as nonchalant as it might look, and--]
Well. That's that.
[ And the next words would have been see ya around but that grip on her throat comes back to keep them there and she shows herself out without any such promise. ]