It occurs to Ellie when Derrica looks away that Derrica might've had some confusing feelings about her, too, and that knowledge sits like a lump in the back of her throat. Not because she wishes they had turned out differently -- she's come to terms with that -- but because feelings are fucking hard, and neither of them like putting each other through it.
Derrica's genuinely happy for her, and Ellie can see that easily enough. Even if she doesn't strictly need her approval, it feels good. Ellie nods and reaches for her hand.
She squeezes it securely, settled on the bench between the two of them. It's something they've always done, something that Ellie won't give up, so long as Derrica won't.
"Thanks," she says softly. "And yeah, it's serious. We're not, like. Eloping or anything. But it'll be just the two of us."
Because it is as she said before: what Derrica asks for isn't always possible, isn't easy, too much with too much opportunity to be hurt by the things she needs. (Because she has been so slow to make room, to let herself trust in feelings that feel so much bigger than her, that indulging them won't break everything else good.)
It's fair. It's good. It still feels like a kind of loss. A vanishing of something that might have been, if Derrica had managed to—
"I love you," as a reminder, because this too is steadfast, unchanged by the landscape of their relationship shifting and recomposing. Derrica's hand is warm, easily secured in Ellie's. "I'm glad you're happy. That you've found someone who makes you happy."
Because Ellie is happy.
"Thank you for telling me," is a quiet thing too. Not just for this piece of news, to celebrate together. For what it means beyond that, for being clear so Derrica doesn't transgress on accident.
It stings less this time when Derrica says it. Ellie's far more able to hear what they do have, rather than what they don't. They've loved each other for a long time, even if the shape of it has evolved, and not always happily.
"I love you too."
It's bittersweet that the first time she says it is like this, but it feels right when she does. She squeezes her hand a little too tight, makes herself loosen her hold.
"... and at some point, I want to tell you all about it. If that's not too weird."
Ellie loosens her grip, and Derrica tightens her in turn. No, there is no point at which Ellie's hold is too tight.
"I just need a little time first."
Not long, Derrica would promise. Only a little while, to let this settle. Let it become part of the landscape between them, let other things fade.
"You're..." and here definition falters, uncertain of how she might describe the things they are to each other. Recast it and lose no part of the familiarity and intimacy they have. Settles on: "You're important to me. I want to hear everything you would tell me."
The way Derrica tightens her grip settles her, and Ellie matches it, nods. She's glad that she's honest about it- there are times when Derrica's harder to read, when Ellie gets the sense that she's suspending her real feelings to spare others, especially her.
She prefers this kind of honesty.
"Yeah," she says, steady. "I know that feeling." Almost word for word what she'd told Derrica after their last restructuring.
"And if there's anything you want to tell me too, I wanna listen."
A light pressure: Derrica's thumb at the back of Ellie's hand, silent acknowledgement.
Yes, Ellie knows. So maybe it is fair that Derrica feels some of it now.
"Not yet."
Maybe never. There are things that Derrica knows are unfair to say, that are her business to carry and process and let go of in due time. Ellie is happy, and they have an understanding of each other, this resolution to hold fast to their closeness in whatever form it takes.
"Only that I want to know, if I overstep," is only a reiteration of things they've spoken of before. Maybe it won't hurt Ellie anymore if Derrica reaches for her, but maybe it will be unwelcome for other reasons.
Not yet is a fair answer, and honestly it's the one Ellie expected. It's a lot to ask someone to reach in with both hands pull their guts out for you when you've already left them raw.
"You know I will."
It's not the first time Ellie's had things be less than straightforward, difficult without anyone involved being wrong. But it does make her more determined to be honest and heartfelt, to not let anything slip away. Even if it's clumsy, it's sincere.
Ellie looks down at their joined hands, squeezing again.
"Is there anything... y'know, outside of us, that I can help with?"
Because despite this conversation, their own complicated entanglements aren't the only thing in their lives.
Derrica breathes out. Not a sigh, but near to it. Awareness of all other things weighing on her, living alongside this new-made ache, and uncertain of which she might share with Ellie.
She draws Ellie's hand into her lap, folds it between her own two hands, as she turns over her respective worries. Considers that maybe they should have been talking about other things this whole time; maybe if she came at the thing between them sideways, it would have worked better.
But that's not something to say aloud to Ellie.
"Can you help me take inventory in the clinic tomorrow morning?" is what she settles on, having considered and dismissed heavier worries. "It goes faster with two, but I don't like bothering Richard for it every time."
It's a mixture of faint disappointment, but a knowing reality. If the question had been reversed Ellie probably would've asked for something similar. Something to do with their hands, practical, necessary. No high stakes.
It gives them space around each other, time for them to relax into it again.
Yeah. It's good.
"You bet," she says softly, curling a thumb to rub over the back of Derrica's knuckle, lifting her head to look at her. "I'll be there."
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no subject
Derrica's genuinely happy for her, and Ellie can see that easily enough. Even if she doesn't strictly need her approval, it feels good. Ellie nods and reaches for her hand.
She squeezes it securely, settled on the bench between the two of them. It's something they've always done, something that Ellie won't give up, so long as Derrica won't.
"Thanks," she says softly. "And yeah, it's serious. We're not, like. Eloping or anything. But it'll be just the two of us."
no subject
"I understand."
Because it is as she said before: what Derrica asks for isn't always possible, isn't easy, too much with too much opportunity to be hurt by the things she needs. (Because she has been so slow to make room, to let herself trust in feelings that feel so much bigger than her, that indulging them won't break everything else good.)
It's fair. It's good. It still feels like a kind of loss. A vanishing of something that might have been, if Derrica had managed to—
"I love you," as a reminder, because this too is steadfast, unchanged by the landscape of their relationship shifting and recomposing. Derrica's hand is warm, easily secured in Ellie's. "I'm glad you're happy. That you've found someone who makes you happy."
Because Ellie is happy.
"Thank you for telling me," is a quiet thing too. Not just for this piece of news, to celebrate together. For what it means beyond that, for being clear so Derrica doesn't transgress on accident.
no subject
"I love you too."
It's bittersweet that the first time she says it is like this, but it feels right when she does. She squeezes her hand a little too tight, makes herself loosen her hold.
"... and at some point, I want to tell you all about it. If that's not too weird."
no subject
Ellie loosens her grip, and Derrica tightens her in turn. No, there is no point at which Ellie's hold is too tight.
"I just need a little time first."
Not long, Derrica would promise. Only a little while, to let this settle. Let it become part of the landscape between them, let other things fade.
"You're..." and here definition falters, uncertain of how she might describe the things they are to each other. Recast it and lose no part of the familiarity and intimacy they have. Settles on: "You're important to me. I want to hear everything you would tell me."
no subject
She prefers this kind of honesty.
"Yeah," she says, steady. "I know that feeling." Almost word for word what she'd told Derrica after their last restructuring.
"And if there's anything you want to tell me too, I wanna listen."
no subject
Yes, Ellie knows. So maybe it is fair that Derrica feels some of it now.
"Not yet."
Maybe never. There are things that Derrica knows are unfair to say, that are her business to carry and process and let go of in due time. Ellie is happy, and they have an understanding of each other, this resolution to hold fast to their closeness in whatever form it takes.
"Only that I want to know, if I overstep," is only a reiteration of things they've spoken of before. Maybe it won't hurt Ellie anymore if Derrica reaches for her, but maybe it will be unwelcome for other reasons.
no subject
"You know I will."
It's not the first time Ellie's had things be less than straightforward, difficult without anyone involved being wrong. But it does make her more determined to be honest and heartfelt, to not let anything slip away. Even if it's clumsy, it's sincere.
Ellie looks down at their joined hands, squeezing again.
"Is there anything... y'know, outside of us, that I can help with?"
Because despite this conversation, their own complicated entanglements aren't the only thing in their lives.
no subject
Derrica breathes out. Not a sigh, but near to it. Awareness of all other things weighing on her, living alongside this new-made ache, and uncertain of which she might share with Ellie.
She draws Ellie's hand into her lap, folds it between her own two hands, as she turns over her respective worries. Considers that maybe they should have been talking about other things this whole time; maybe if she came at the thing between them sideways, it would have worked better.
But that's not something to say aloud to Ellie.
"Can you help me take inventory in the clinic tomorrow morning?" is what she settles on, having considered and dismissed heavier worries. "It goes faster with two, but I don't like bothering Richard for it every time."
no subject
It gives them space around each other, time for them to relax into it again.
Yeah. It's good.
"You bet," she says softly, curling a thumb to rub over the back of Derrica's knuckle, lifting her head to look at her. "I'll be there."