Ellie loosens her grip, and Derrica tightens her in turn. No, there is no point at which Ellie's hold is too tight.
"I just need a little time first."
Not long, Derrica would promise. Only a little while, to let this settle. Let it become part of the landscape between them, let other things fade.
"You're..." and here definition falters, uncertain of how she might describe the things they are to each other. Recast it and lose no part of the familiarity and intimacy they have. Settles on: "You're important to me. I want to hear everything you would tell me."
The way Derrica tightens her grip settles her, and Ellie matches it, nods. She's glad that she's honest about it- there are times when Derrica's harder to read, when Ellie gets the sense that she's suspending her real feelings to spare others, especially her.
She prefers this kind of honesty.
"Yeah," she says, steady. "I know that feeling." Almost word for word what she'd told Derrica after their last restructuring.
"And if there's anything you want to tell me too, I wanna listen."
A light pressure: Derrica's thumb at the back of Ellie's hand, silent acknowledgement.
Yes, Ellie knows. So maybe it is fair that Derrica feels some of it now.
"Not yet."
Maybe never. There are things that Derrica knows are unfair to say, that are her business to carry and process and let go of in due time. Ellie is happy, and they have an understanding of each other, this resolution to hold fast to their closeness in whatever form it takes.
"Only that I want to know, if I overstep," is only a reiteration of things they've spoken of before. Maybe it won't hurt Ellie anymore if Derrica reaches for her, but maybe it will be unwelcome for other reasons.
Not yet is a fair answer, and honestly it's the one Ellie expected. It's a lot to ask someone to reach in with both hands pull their guts out for you when you've already left them raw.
"You know I will."
It's not the first time Ellie's had things be less than straightforward, difficult without anyone involved being wrong. But it does make her more determined to be honest and heartfelt, to not let anything slip away. Even if it's clumsy, it's sincere.
Ellie looks down at their joined hands, squeezing again.
"Is there anything... y'know, outside of us, that I can help with?"
Because despite this conversation, their own complicated entanglements aren't the only thing in their lives.
Derrica breathes out. Not a sigh, but near to it. Awareness of all other things weighing on her, living alongside this new-made ache, and uncertain of which she might share with Ellie.
She draws Ellie's hand into her lap, folds it between her own two hands, as she turns over her respective worries. Considers that maybe they should have been talking about other things this whole time; maybe if she came at the thing between them sideways, it would have worked better.
But that's not something to say aloud to Ellie.
"Can you help me take inventory in the clinic tomorrow morning?" is what she settles on, having considered and dismissed heavier worries. "It goes faster with two, but I don't like bothering Richard for it every time."
It's a mixture of faint disappointment, but a knowing reality. If the question had been reversed Ellie probably would've asked for something similar. Something to do with their hands, practical, necessary. No high stakes.
It gives them space around each other, time for them to relax into it again.
Yeah. It's good.
"You bet," she says softly, curling a thumb to rub over the back of Derrica's knuckle, lifting her head to look at her. "I'll be there."
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no subject
Ellie loosens her grip, and Derrica tightens her in turn. No, there is no point at which Ellie's hold is too tight.
"I just need a little time first."
Not long, Derrica would promise. Only a little while, to let this settle. Let it become part of the landscape between them, let other things fade.
"You're..." and here definition falters, uncertain of how she might describe the things they are to each other. Recast it and lose no part of the familiarity and intimacy they have. Settles on: "You're important to me. I want to hear everything you would tell me."
no subject
She prefers this kind of honesty.
"Yeah," she says, steady. "I know that feeling." Almost word for word what she'd told Derrica after their last restructuring.
"And if there's anything you want to tell me too, I wanna listen."
no subject
Yes, Ellie knows. So maybe it is fair that Derrica feels some of it now.
"Not yet."
Maybe never. There are things that Derrica knows are unfair to say, that are her business to carry and process and let go of in due time. Ellie is happy, and they have an understanding of each other, this resolution to hold fast to their closeness in whatever form it takes.
"Only that I want to know, if I overstep," is only a reiteration of things they've spoken of before. Maybe it won't hurt Ellie anymore if Derrica reaches for her, but maybe it will be unwelcome for other reasons.
no subject
"You know I will."
It's not the first time Ellie's had things be less than straightforward, difficult without anyone involved being wrong. But it does make her more determined to be honest and heartfelt, to not let anything slip away. Even if it's clumsy, it's sincere.
Ellie looks down at their joined hands, squeezing again.
"Is there anything... y'know, outside of us, that I can help with?"
Because despite this conversation, their own complicated entanglements aren't the only thing in their lives.
no subject
Derrica breathes out. Not a sigh, but near to it. Awareness of all other things weighing on her, living alongside this new-made ache, and uncertain of which she might share with Ellie.
She draws Ellie's hand into her lap, folds it between her own two hands, as she turns over her respective worries. Considers that maybe they should have been talking about other things this whole time; maybe if she came at the thing between them sideways, it would have worked better.
But that's not something to say aloud to Ellie.
"Can you help me take inventory in the clinic tomorrow morning?" is what she settles on, having considered and dismissed heavier worries. "It goes faster with two, but I don't like bothering Richard for it every time."
no subject
It gives them space around each other, time for them to relax into it again.
Yeah. It's good.
"You bet," she says softly, curling a thumb to rub over the back of Derrica's knuckle, lifting her head to look at her. "I'll be there."