"I don't know," Ellie says immediately, and then more slowly: "A little?"
She sighs, opening up the palm of her hand to let Derrica touch her, looking down at their tangled fingers. It feels nice, the way Derrica uses her like a worry stone, almost. Like touching her is soothing. She likes the thought of being easy for somebody.
She relaxes where Derrica touches, like it reminds her of where the tension is, and to let it go.
"For all I know it could've been worse," she says, the corner of her mouth twitching into something almost like a smile.
"I got kicked out of half the schools in the QZ. Maybe the Fireflies wouldn't have tolerated my ass either."
Her smile widens. Either she grew up, or it took Maria to keep her in line, and then Yseult.
Of course Ellie was trouble growing up. Derrica might not have seen it in her when they'd first met, but she has caught glimpses of it over and over as Ellie settled, lost some of the haunted weight in her face. Mischief. Good humor. Derrica can only imagine what she had been like younger, before all that had happened to her.
"You would have been very different, if you'd grown up with them."
The smile settles and disappears, leaving something more sober behind. But it's not sad, not haunted. Just... thoughtful. Ellie traces a line with her fingertip, from the top of Derrica's thumb to her pulse point, the tender softness just inside of her wrist, like she's drawing a line of thought.
"Maybe. It's hard to say without knowing," she admits. "Could have been that it all happened anyway, just that I was on the other side of it. I could have had everything I ever wanted and then had someone take it from me overnight."
It's the closest she's come to saying aloud that she understands what Abby did and why. Once, that would have burned her hollow, the anger and pain licking her up inside. Now, she still burns, but it's different. It still tests her, but she's more. She and Abby are both more.
It settles, and it hurts, but the hurt isn't all there is.
"Maybe it wouldn't have been so different after all."
Permission. Derrica takes it for what it is: a gift.
And maybe she could press Ellie tonight, try to draw a little more poison from her so the pain behind it might be less. But it's been a difficult conversation, maybe more than Ellie had bargained for when she arrived. So—
"Not tonight," she stipulates. "We should walk down to the kitchen and get something to eat, and talk about something else. Please."
Ellie presses the breath out of her lungs and tries not be relieved, because it feels cowardly. But she can't help but be fine with being out of the hot seat for tonight.
She presses her forehead briefly to Derrica's shoulder to hide her smile, and nods against her.
"Don't have to ask me twice."
When she gets to her feet, she offers Derrica her hand first, and tries not to act like that's new, when she doesn't let go.
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no subject
She sighs, opening up the palm of her hand to let Derrica touch her, looking down at their tangled fingers. It feels nice, the way Derrica uses her like a worry stone, almost. Like touching her is soothing. She likes the thought of being easy for somebody.
She relaxes where Derrica touches, like it reminds her of where the tension is, and to let it go.
"For all I know it could've been worse," she says, the corner of her mouth twitching into something almost like a smile.
"I got kicked out of half the schools in the QZ. Maybe the Fireflies wouldn't have tolerated my ass either."
Her smile widens. Either she grew up, or it took Maria to keep her in line, and then Yseult.
no subject
Of course Ellie was trouble growing up. Derrica might not have seen it in her when they'd first met, but she has caught glimpses of it over and over as Ellie settled, lost some of the haunted weight in her face. Mischief. Good humor. Derrica can only imagine what she had been like younger, before all that had happened to her.
"You would have been very different, if you'd grown up with them."
An easy conclusion to draw.
"Would you have wanted that?"
no subject
"Maybe. It's hard to say without knowing," she admits. "Could have been that it all happened anyway, just that I was on the other side of it. I could have had everything I ever wanted and then had someone take it from me overnight."
It's the closest she's come to saying aloud that she understands what Abby did and why. Once, that would have burned her hollow, the anger and pain licking her up inside. Now, she still burns, but it's different. It still tests her, but she's more. She and Abby are both more.
It settles, and it hurts, but the hurt isn't all there is.
"Maybe it wouldn't have been so different after all."
no subject
Everything is fragile. Derrica knows this, has had it demonstrated to her very thoroughly. It's not the kind of lesson a person forgets.
Her hand relaxes under Ellie's fingertips.
"Thank you for telling me," she murmurs. "I know it's not easy to talk about all this."
no subject
It's long and depressing and emotionally galvanizing to go through, even just to hear about, and Ellie's proud of exactly none of it.
"I'll... tell you more, okay? And you can ask questions. Sometimes that's better."
put a bow on this y/y
Permission. Derrica takes it for what it is: a gift.
And maybe she could press Ellie tonight, try to draw a little more poison from her so the pain behind it might be less. But it's been a difficult conversation, maybe more than Ellie had bargained for when she arrived. So—
"Not tonight," she stipulates. "We should walk down to the kitchen and get something to eat, and talk about something else. Please."
Y! <3
She presses her forehead briefly to Derrica's shoulder to hide her smile, and nods against her.
"Don't have to ask me twice."
When she gets to her feet, she offers Derrica her hand first, and tries not to act like that's new, when she doesn't let go.